Young Children Can Have Serious Concerns that Interfere with Their Lives and School Work

Parents Arguing in Front of Their Children

free stock photo from: http://www.fotosearch.com/BNS212/prp022/

How many upper-middle-class parents imagine that their eight- and nine-year-old children are having serious family worries than can interfere with their education? Sometimes parents think they can hide problems with family dynamics from their children. The unintended result is often that the children are left worried, and left carrying a large burden alone.

Several years ago, in Grade Three, I had a class where many students were worried about divorces or potential deaths in the family. It was in December, because it was shortly before the Christmas/New Year break. I no longer remember exactly how the subject came up, but it was during a normal classroom discussion, perhaps out of one of our reading lessons from the text book. One child raised his hand and said he was worried about his parents divorcing. Another child raised his hand, and said that he, too, was worried about the same thing. It turned out that nearly half the class was worried about this same issue. I then asked the children why they were so worried about this. Most of those worried had been witnessing arguments between their parents. As a middle-aged adult, with many years of marriage under by belt, I explained to the children that it’s normal for parents to argue, just as children in the same family argue. That doesn’t always mean there is going to be a divorce. Several children shared more details about some of these arguments. In some cases, it was easy for me to reassure children that those kinds of arguments are perfectly normal (equivalent of the proverbial “toothpaste tube” arguments), and that they weren’t serious. In some cases, it was serious. In one case, a parent had actually moved out for several weeks following an argument, but had subsequently moved back in. In a couple of cases, parents did not argue in front of the children, but instead went into their bedroom to argue, and the children heard them arguing each night through the wall.

I don’t lie to children. To the few children in the class whose parents sounded like they were having truly serious arguments, I said that did sound more serious to me, and I couldn’t promise them anything about what might happen in their family. But I saw that the most stressful thing the children were undergoing was imagining their parents divorcing, yet never discussing with their parents what was going on–they were just being kept in a state of perpetual limbo.

This particular year, much of the month of Ramadan was falling during vacation. (During this month, Muslims cannot eat, drink, smoke, or take anything by mouth during the daylight hours.) So, I gave the children some advice. I advised them that during vacation they must try to talk to their parents. I explained that for something like this, they would have to be very careful how to approach it. I explained that they must first find the parent at a good time, and that they must get the parent’s full attention first.

During Ramadan, I advised approaching these conversations between one and two hours after eating, so that their parents would feel calm and rested. I then advised them to choose one parent, the one they felt most comfortable talking to. I suggested saying, “Mom (or Dad), please, I have something very important to talk to you about. Is this a good time?” Now, as a parent, if I were preoccupied, and my child said that to me, if it wasn’t a good time, I would find a good time pretty quickly, and give my child my full attention.

Once they had their parent’s full attention, I suggested NOT asking directly, “Are you going to get divorced?” Instead, I suggested they say, “Mom (or Dad), I hear you both arguing a lot these days, and it makes me feel worried that you are going to get divorced.” Then, I suggested they just be quiet, and wait for their parent to respond. We then took some time to role-play, practicing asking for the parent’s attention, so the children would have confidence to follow through and not forget what to say in the middle of asking their parent.

When we all returned from vacation, I asked the children if they had had a chance to talk with their parents, and how it had all turned out. In every case, except one, it opened up the lines of communication between the parents and children, and nearly every parent reassured their children that these arguments were not serious enough to lead to divorce. In one case, the parents told their child that it was possible they might get a divorce, but that they weren’t sure yet what would be happening. This child felt better at least being included in knowing what was happening in the family. In the last case, one boy told me his mother shouted at him, “That’s none of your business! Leave me alone, and you shouldn’t be asking me questions like this!” When I spoke further with this boy, I explained that sometimes when parents are in the middle of being upset about something, it’s just like when a child has an argument with his/her best friend. Then other children come up to that child and try to talk to them about it. He tells them to go away and leave him alone. I told that child that his mom must be feeling kind of like that. (She had a new baby at home, and several other kids to take care of, but no one to help her, while the Dad was usually out.) I explained that it’s really difficult for mothers when they have a new baby. He told me that soon, someone would be coming to help his mother for a while. I told him that would help a lot. Today, I’m happy to say this family is very happy together.

One other boy in class had not been worried about his parents divorcing. Instead, he was constantly worried about his baby brother dying. When I asked why, he told me his brother was between one and two years old. A few months before, the baby had been in a stroller, and had overturned it, falling out on his head. He had to be rushed to the hospital to get stitches, and a brain scan. Another time, a mirror fell on top of the little boy. I thought these were reasonable grounds for this boy to feel worried. I explained that young children of this age need to be watched constantly, that for every child, it is the biggest age for accidents. I explained that it was not just his brother, but every child in every culture, of this age, needs to be carefully watched all the time–because they want to explore everything, and don’t know what is dangerous. I explained that in another year, between three and four years of age, children get out of this stage, and can understand things much better. This student was greatly reassured by discussing the matter. Yet his parents had never dreamed of his worries, because he had never spoken to his parents about these matters.

The thought I would like to leave parents with here is that if any problem situations are happening in your family, talk to your children and keep them informed about what is going on. If you have an argument, reassure your children that you may be arguing (or even shouting), but that you love each other, and it is not going to lead to a divorce (and if it IS going to, please don’t lie to your children, or they will feel betrayed, and not trust you in the future). I find that my own daughter gets upset and worries about us getting divorced when we argue (luckily she was able to speak up and TELL us that, but many children never think about verbalizing this private worry to their parents, as I have found teaching school). Discussing these issues with that class several years ago has helped me be a better parent to my own daughter.

Eileen

---

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

• Preparing Kids For School

Explore posts in the same categories: Africa, American School, American Values, Arguing, Betrayal, Child Behavior, Children, Children's concerns, Children's dilemmas, Children's problems, Children's worries, Classroom Expectations, Classroom Management, Classroom procedures, Classrooms, Critical thinking, Current Events, Death, Dying, Family, Feelings, Fighting, Getting parents' attention, Grade 1, Grade 2, Grade 3, Grade 4, Grade 5, Grade 6, Home, Ideas, Letter to Parents, Life, Lying, Marriage, Men, Middle East, North America, Parenting Issues, Parents, People, Psychology, Questioning skills, Ramadan, Religion, Schools, Solutions, Student Behavior, Student Psychology, Students, Talks betweenparents and children, Teacher Talks with Students, Third Graders, Third World, Trust, Wisdom, Women, being in limbo, education, fasting, innovative solutions, overseas education, responsibility, role-playing, school, teacher, teachers, teaching, think outside the box, values, young children